Here’s this week’s contribution to the One-Word-At-A-Time Blog Carnival. I encourage you to click the link and check out some of the other carnival attractions. As we work our way through the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5), this week’s word is:

GENTLENESS

What do you think? Can real men do gentle?

For most of my life, “gentle” described one thing.

Toilet paper.

Toilet paper was supposed to be gentle, and we all know what happens to toilet paper.

I grew up in a blue-collar family. The adults in my life scrapped and fought their way through Depression and war. The values were hard work, self-reliance, sacrifice, and hard work. You made your own breaks and earned your own way. You got what you wanted by working harder than everyone else. If someone stood in your way you shoved them aside.

Sports, school, and life were about competing, winning, knowing that nobody’s going to give you anything. If you want it you have to take it, most likely from someone else. If you don’t fight for it, someone else will. You’re either a winner or a loser.

Impose your will. Bigger, faster, stronger, smarter—and did I mention hard work?

In certain situations you were supposed to “be a gentleman,” which generally meant displaying good manners while crushing the opposition. Be polite, open doors for women, wear the right clothes. Make sure you wear clean underwear—not quite sure how that’s connected, but it was always in there somewhere.

Real gentlemen shook hands with their opponents—after defeating them. Gentlemen were just a bit more polite about fighting their way to the top of the ladder. But it was always clear that a gentleman wasn’t a gentle man.

Gentle was for sissies. Gentle guys stood back, gave in, let others get the girl or the money or the trophy. You pushed your way to the front because tough and aggressive marked the only path to success.

WHAT’S GENTLE?

In THE MESSAGE, gentleness is rendered “not needing to force our way in life.” The dictionary uses synonyms like docile, soft, delicate, and mild-mannered.

Toilet paper.

Coaches and teachers, men in my family—the “real men” I admired weren’t docile, soft, or mild-mannered. They intentionally and proudly forced their way through life. And if that took fighting or yelling or swearing, that’s what you did.

In that context, here comes this guy named Jesus who wants me to follow Him, and He says crazy things like this:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” [Matthew 11:28-29]

He’s okay for quiet Sunday mornings, but you can’t compete and win in the real world by following a guy who’s weak. Bosses, leaders, men who really accomplished something—they trampled guys like Jesus.

Gentle Jesus—nice thought, but not the leader to follow to success. Everything I knew told me Jesus was a wimp, a ninety-eight pound weakling who’d get sand kicked in His face.

Of course, everything I knew—or thought I knew—was wrong.

Can a real man follow Jesus?

Yes—but it ain’t easy.

Following Jesus requires hard work and sacrifice. His followers delay gratification and focus on principles and long-term goals rather than short-term results.

Jesus’ followers must stand for what they believe in the face of fierce opposition. They risk interim defeat and failure in pursuit of big-picture aspirations. They’re willing to sweat and work hard to build something meaningful and lasting.

The world screams that power is achieved through force and violence. But control gained through yelling, fighting, and intimidation is a weak man’s imitation of strength.

Gentle isn’t just for toilet paper. Gentleness isn’t about fear or giving in. True gentleness requires character, commitment, and courage.

FOLLOW ME

Following the crowd is easy. Anyone—even a coward—can do what everyone else is doing.

Following Jesus is hard.

But one thing I learned as a kid is certainly true: real men—and real women—don’t run away just because something’s difficult.

The stream is gentle, flowing around obstacles, following its own path. But if you try to steer it you understand its power.

Do you struggle to remember the difference between weakness and gentleness?

Did you enjoy this article? I encourage you to leave a comment, visit my website, and/or send me an email at rich@richdixon.net.

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The Strength To Be Gentle

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” [Matthew 11:28-30]

Jesus can sometimes be a confusing guide.

• Gentle Jesus, meek and mild, passively endures ridicule, scorn, and torture.
• Humble Jesus makes His triumphal entry in front of cheering crowds on a common donkey.
• Assertive Jesus turns over tables and drives the money changers from the temple.
• Confrontational Jesus condemns the self-serving, superficial religiosity of the Pharisees.

Which Jesus am I supposed to follow? Gentle and humble, assertive and confrontational—what’s the model?

The answer, of course, is “all of the above,” but that’s confusing in a culture that equates gentleness with weakness.

Jesus was the most powerful human in history, with the armies of heaven at His command. He could have turned the Roman Empire on its head, destroyed the corrupt religious establishment, and established Himself as king, general, and high priest. He could have righted every wrong, punished every evil, and placed His friends in positions of honor and authority.

In our world, these are the sorts of actions that define strength. All of them, and much more, were within Jesus’ grasp. So what did He do?

He washed feet. He wandered among obscure villages and spoke to insignificant outcasts. He chose a life of service that took Him to a horrible, humiliating death.

Two of Jesus statements have always had a powerful impact on me.

• “Do you refuse to speak to me?” Pilate said. “Don’t you realize I have power either to free you or to crucify you?”
  Jesus answered, “You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above.” [John 19:10-11]
•  The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father.” [John 10:17-18]

In our culture, powerful men give the orders. Obedience isn’t usually associated with strength and authority. Jesus willingly surrendered the power of the universe to do His Father’s will.

Jesus knew that coercion, force, and violence are signs of weakness. He could have kicked in the doors of power and demanded change. He could have debated the religious leaders into submission. He could have threatened dire consequences unless public policy conformed to His truth.

He didn’t brandish weapons or shout at His opponents. He didn’t use His authority and status to intimidate and control. He did none of the things we equate with power and strength, because He knew that they’re only imitations of strength.

Jesus knew that authentic courage means following God’s will. He displayed the courage to stand for right, regardless of the risk to Himself and His friends. But He didn’t need to win. He didn’t need others to acknowledge that He was right. He knew He was right in God’s eyes, and that mattered more to Him than anything else.

That’s the model, that’s the source of strength. If I know I’m right in God’s eyes, I can live with self-confidence and strength.

• It doesn’t matter what others think.
• I don’t need to win.
• I can serve in obscurity and humility.

Jesus wasn’t gentle and meek because He lacked strength or courage. Instead, because He knew the truth and held the authority of God in His hands, He had the courage to be gentle.

That’s the model. Those are the footsteps I want to follow.

Both gentleness and meekness are born of power, not weakness.  There is a pseudo-gentleness that is effeminate, and there is a pseudo-meekness that is cowardly.  But a Christian is to be gentle and meek because those are Godlike virtues.  We should never be afraid, therefore, that the gentleness of the Spirit means weakness of character.  It takes strength, God’s strength, to be truly gentle. Jerry Bridges

Do you struggle with needing to get your way or needing to win? How do you get past those feelings?

Did you enjoy this article? Please leave a comment, visit my website, and/or send me an email at rich@richdixon.net.

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First, a bit of news: I’m excited to announce the impending release of a new free e-book titled STICKS AND STONES: Finding freedom in the face of criticism. We’re putting the finishing touches on it, and I hope it’ll be ready within a few days. Keep checking back for updates. Now–to more important stuff …

I learned that it is the weak who are cruel, and that gentleness is to be expected only from the strong. Leo Rosten

This month’s character trait from CharacterFirst! is GENTLENESS: Showing consideration and personal concern for others.

 Have you ever wondered why we seem so fearful of the perception of gentleness?

SCARCITY

Our culture worships those who succeed, but we’re stuck with a scarcity model of success. Success means winning, and that means everyone else has to lose.

This model allows only three options:

• Play and win—you’re a winner
• Play and lose–you’re a loser.
• Refuse to play—you’re a coward, but you pretend the game isn’t important.

Winners are celebrities. Losers are, well, losers. And cowards are worse than losers. There’s not much room for gentleness within a scarcity model.

Winners are tough. They intimidate and control through anger and power. Winners fight and impose their will on losers; they shout, fight, and do whatever it takes.

And winners must insure that everyone knows they’re winners. It’s not enough to be rich or beautiful or smart; you have to publicize your success. You have to make sure the losers know their place.

In the scarcity model, gentle is for sissies. Gentle implies vulnerable, weak, and incapable. Gentle means you can’t stand up for yourself and you get pushed around. Gentle is for the cowards, those who fear the battle.

ABUNDANCE

Despite the preponderance of cultural metaphors, life isn’t a football season in which there’s a single champion. Success isn’t scarce; it’s abundant.

In an abundance model, you don’t need to crush the opposition. There’s plenty of opportunity, and my success doesn’t mean someone else’s failure. There are lots of chances to help each other. The list of options changes.

• Succeed to the level dictated by your talent, creativity, ingenuity, and hard work.
• Build relationships and use your talent, creativity, ingenuity, and hard work to help others succeed—and invite them to do the same for you.

This isn’t a forced-choice situation, either. In fact, it’s likely that those who employ both strategies do best.

An abundance mentality encourages the development of authentic strength and toughness AND gentleness. Each achievement enhances your sense of personal power and self-confidence, so there’s less need to impress others with false bravado. As you build your own inner security, you’re also creating strong relationships that automatically foster mutual consideration and concern.

TOUGH AND GENTLE?

Some would claim that abundance is an impossible utopian fantasy, that competition is inevitable, and that to compete successfully you cannot show mercy to the opposition. Competition requires a certain ruthlessness that automatically precludes gentleness.

I’ve learned that this version of toughness is really a mask, an imitation of authentic strength. Bullies are cruel because they’re fundamentally insecure, and those who flaunt success are compensating for inner fear and loneliness. Only the weak feel the need to continually demonstrate their strength.

Shouting, profanity, and angry rhetoric conceal uncertainty and lack of knowledge or ability. They’re a cheap method of attracting attention. Confident, strong people don’t need manufactured attention, because others naturally gravitate to them.  They don’t need to intimidate, and they don’t need others to validate their accomplishments.

Gentleness is not weakness. Gentleness requires courage, self-assurance, and inner security. I hope you and I find the strength to be truly gentle with ourselves and others.

Gentleness shouldn’t be confused with weakness: cowards are submissive because they lack the resources to be anything else. True gentleness is a quality of the strong, those who could assert themselves but choose not to do so.

Tomorrow we’ll talk about Jesus as a model of gentle toughness and strength.

Anything else? Do you ever struggle to find the strength to be gentle?

Did you enjoy this article? Please leave a comment, visit my website, and/or send me an email at rich@richdixon.net.

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A Prisoner Of Expectations