…get me in a lot of trouble.

I got disappointed this week.

Disclaimer: I’m only telling this story because I think it contains some valuable lessons. The details don’t matter—this is about my personal failure, nothing else.

# # # # #

A couple of years ago I was invited to be a very small part of a project. No contracts or financial commitments, just a small once-per-week contribution. Four other people, all much more qualified and credible, also joined. I felt pleased and honored to be included.

The basic idea was that we would all place a drop or two in the pond, and hopefully a few folks would benefit from a much-needed cool drink. The only “payback” was some publicity and perhaps a bit of potential traffic to my own site. In my case, an added benefit involved association with four experienced, well-known writers.

After a few months, the others began to drop away. Their contributions became less regular, then disappeared completely. No explanation—they just vanished. With a couple of intermittent exceptions, I was the sole contributor for more than a year. During that period, the only feedback I received was a terse admonition that I’d violated the guidelines by improperly promoting my speaking availability. I whined a bit and removed the offending material.

Why did I continue? I made a commitment to someone who helped me, and I wanted to keep that commitment. I also knew that a fair number of folks were continuing to visit, so I figured someone was finding value. I don’t want to over-play this—it really wasn’t a big amount of additional time or effort. I hoped I was helping the visitors and the person who originally invited me to join.

At least that’s what I told myself.

THE END

This week I received a form email informing me that the project was discontinued.

I have no clue what happened, why the others dropped out, or why the project ended. Don’t know whether I did something wrong or offended someone, whether my contributions were bad or inappropriate or worthless. And since I didn’t know, I of course made all sorts of wild speculations.

# # # # #

Before we go any farther, let’s be clear—this is in no way a criticism of anyone else. I’m not looking for sympathy. I relate this story only because I want to share what I learned.

What I mostly learned is to be highly suspicious of my own motives. Did you catch the lie at the beginning of this essay? “I got disappointed this week.”

Why should I be disappointed? I made an open-ended, no-strings-attached commitment to someone else’s worthwhile project. I kept my end of the bargain. The project ended. So what’s the source of my feeling of disappointment?

After all, I was just being a good guy, serving selflessly, trying to help—how could that possibly lead to disappointment?

You see it, right? The problem resides in my own heart. I didn’t “get disappointed.” I’m disappointed because I harbored a whole set of unspoken expectations that weren’t met.

So here’s a partial list of reminders to self:

Don’t “serve” with the expectation of getting something in return. That’s not service, it’s manipulation. Doesn’t work with people or with God.

Don’t say “Yes” from a sense of obligation. Never begin or continue anything because of a “should.” Better to say “No” than to agree out of guilt or compulsion. The world already has plenty of self-created martyrs.

If I don’t want to do something but I believe it’s the right thing to do, first change my attitude. If I can agree because I sincerely WANT to do what’s right, not because I think I should, then go for it. Otherwise, decline honestly.

Assume best intentions on the part of others. Nothing positive’s accomplished by ascribing evil motives. Nobody’s out to get me. Assuming the worst involves creating imaginary, much-worse-than-real-life monsters. Instead of inserting my own interpretations and “reading between the lines,” how about just being open about questions or concerns?

Nobody “owes” me anything. Let go of the sense of entitlement. I’m not owed gratitude, an apology, forgiveness, or anything else. Those are only worthwhile when offered freely—demanding them only insures false, hollow interactions.

(False) HUMILITY

Someone once offered a wise way to examine my inflated sense of self-importance:

When you begin to think you’re indispensible, stick your finger in a glass of water. Then pull it out, and see how much of a hole remains.

The world, and God’s plan, move forward—with or without me. I’m free to contribute and serve with an attitude of humility.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. [Galatians 5:1]

I’m free to live without guilt and expectations. I’m free to value love and relationships.

Or I can choose to live in a self-constructed prison of doubt and manipulation.

Doesn’t seem like a very difficult choice.

Obedience without surrender is manipulation.

Confession without repentance is bragging.

Have you created unspoken expectations in an attempt to manipulate yourself, others, or even God? What are they, and how do you let them go?

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Happy Saturday! If you’re new to THE CRAZY QUEST, you may wish to read about it here. Basically, I’m tracing my journey as I attempt to answer the question: What would you do if you didn’t know you couldn’t do it?

This week of training: 147 miles

WHY NOT CELEBRATE?

The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.

This week I achieved a significant milestone on the way to my impossible goal. On Wednesday, I cranked about twenty-five miles and averaged more than ten mph.

That’s not a big deal for any “normal” cyclist. Little kids ride much faster than ten mph uphill into the wind. Elite runners race at higher speeds. Ten mph is not very fast by most standards.

That’s exactly how I was thinking as I ended my ride. I measured my accomplishment against “their” standards, found reasons to minimize the result, and actually began to berate my lack of progress.

Then I realized I was falling into an old trap, measuring myself against some imaginary set of external expectations. I turned progress into failure.

When I began hand cycling ten years ago, I could barely move along neighborhood streets. I’d crawl along a few yards at a time, avoiding even insignificant inclines. A “long” ride was five miles, and that took more than an hour. Progress was painfully slow and embarrassing as moms with baby strollers passed me, huffing and puffing and wondering if I’d ever get faster.

Twenty-five miles was impossible back then, but on Wednesday I rode along a beautiful river rushing from the Colorado foothills. I saw deer grazing at the edge of the stream, and watched kayakers paddle with the current. And I wasn’t the fastest cyclist on the trail, but I wasn’t the slowest, either.

Why don’t we celebrate? Why wasn’t I excited about a personally significant event?

We all do it. We’re not world champs or Olympic gold medalists, so our achievements don’t matter. “Second place is just the first loser,” my old coach used to say. I’m not the biggest, best, fastest, strongest, smartest, or best looking, so I’m a loser.

My wheelchair prevents me from dancing or jumping for joy, but why not at least do a wheelie and let out a little “whoo-hoo”? I’m riding farther and faster than I ever dreamed possible. Why not celebrate?

It doesn’t matter what others do, think, or expect. We all need to celebrate those small moments that really make give life its flavor, texture, and meaning.

What can you celebrate today?

If you’re a regular reader, you’ll notice that we’ve moved. The “official” unveiling is supposed to be Monday, but I hope you’ll take a moment to look around our new online home. If you like what you see, click the link below to receive regular email updates.

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Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.  ~ Carl Sandburg

Our culture seems obsessed with time.

Calendars and clocks dominate. Ask someone to dinner and they’re likely to pull out a PDA to check their schedule. I know people who account for their time in ten-minute increments and examine past data for patterns, endlessly seeking opportunities for increased organization. Efficiency’s the name of the game; how much more can we squeeze into each day?

I wonder if we’d be better off asking a different question: How much more might we get from each day?

There’s nothing wrong with using time wisely; we only get a limited amount, and we can’t store it for later use. And it’s good to be reasonably organized; missing appointments or double booking doesn’t demonstrate much respect for others.

But how much of our compulsive efficiency is driven by external expectation? How many of those highly organized tasks don’t have much to do with our central values? I suspect that many of those extra items crammed into every spare moment really represent someone else’s priorities—allowing someone else to spend our time.

I’ve said this many times—I’m not seeking extended leisure time. I want to have fun. I want to be engaged in useful, productive projects. I want to help others. I want to foster new relationships and nurture existing ones. I don’t want endless days with “nothing to do.”

I’m simply a bit mystified about why we seem to believe that those desires are distinct. If I’m doing useful work, why can’t that also be fun? If it’s not, why don’t I do something else? Why work fifty weeks each year for that precious two-week vacation when I can do what I really want to do? Why can’t I be productive and build relationships concurrently?

Our culture sells us a false dichotomy. “Responsible adults” earn a living; they don’t have time to worry about enjoyment or satisfaction. The whole economy’s built on our belief that we must go to work to get the money to buy the stuff. Once in a while, perhaps we ought to ask whether the stuff’s truly significant enough to trade our time for it.

Or maybe there’s a better way to get the stuff. I’m not advocating a life of poverty, even as it exists in America. But I also don’t want to run a maze constructed by “them” without concern for where it leads. We don’t have to operate according to the culture’s standards and expectations.

I want to believe that what I do accomplishes something worthwhile according to my values. I want to spend my time by choice, not by habit or reflex or accident or expectation. I don’t want my life to be someone else’s decision.

I want to invest my time on purpose. How about you?

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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.  Dr. Seuss

I think we create most of our own stress.

I acknowledge that life’s not always easy. Some of our struggles are our own fault, and some aren’t. We all make mistakes, and accidents happen. But I don’t think our circumstances cause the stress.

Stress seems most acute when I allow myself to believe that I have to do something I don’t really want to do. I seem to experience stress whenever I succumb to the illusion that I must meet someone else’s expectations.

Stress is different than pressure. If I’m working on a project that’s important to me, I feel pressure to do excellent work and meet deadlines. But that sort of pressure is mostly self-imposed and helps me hold myself to high standards. When I set a goal, I press myself to keep my commitments. Accountability to my personal values and beliefs may be difficult, but it rarely feels like stress.

I think we often confuse internal and external expectations. I thought of a few questions to consider whenever I’m feeling stressed.

Is this task important to me? If not, why am I so invested in it?

Am I focused on the process or on the result? Result-oriented thinking may indicate fear of failure. If I concentrate on doing my best, the outcomes will take care of themselves.

What external expectations are clouding my thoughts? Am I trying to follow some real or imagined set of rules? What might happen if I ignored those rules and listened to my own voice?

There are probably others, but this is a start. What do you think?

What seems to cause stress for you?

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Happy Saturday! If you’re new to THE CRAZY QUEST, you may wish to read about it here. Basically, I’m tracing my journey as I attempt to answer the question: What would you do if you didn’t know you couldn’t do it?

This week of training: 143 miles

FLAT TIRES HAPPEN

 Climate is what we expect. Weather is what we get. Mark Twain

Every cyclist knows that flat tires are going to happen.

You don’t know where or when, but flats are part of cycling. You try to avoid stuff on the path, you maintain the tires and tubes, but no matter what you do you’re going to get a flat occasionally.

It’s probably just perception, but flats seem to occur at the worst times. It’s raining, or you’re running late, or you’re miles from nowhere. Flats never seem to happen in front of a bike shop.

Life’s the same way. Stuff happens, often at inconvenient moments. We can’t control a lot of it, but our attitude goes a long way toward determining how unexpected events impact us.

In a cycle ride, the joy of the journey is often determined by how you respond to adversity. You can get angry, curse your bad luck, complain that it’s not fair. None of that solves the problem, and it usually makes the rest of the ride miserable.

Or you can chuckle, get out your tools, and fix the flat. And if you don’t have the right equipment or skills, you can ask someone to help. The generosity of other riders is amazing.

Same thing with life. A flat tire’s a small inconvenience, but your response can cast it as a catastrophe.

I want to try harder not to sweat the small stuff.

Have you ever experienced an unexpected “flat tire” in your life? How did you respond?

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Note: This article is a regular Friday feature that’s also posted at SetFreeToday.com

You can’t base your life on other people’s expectations. ~ Stevie Wonder

We waste a lot of time and energy trying to conform to the expectations of others. Our desire to meet someone else’s standards diminishes us in at least two ways.

“Their” expectations may direct us to actions that don’t add value to our lives. Sometimes I follow the crowd and act in a manner that contradicts my personal values, or fail to speak up in the face of wrong because of what “they” might say. Perhaps I scramble for excess material possessions because “they” expect a particular appearance.

Whatever form it takes, we waste precious moments whenever we do something because “they” expect it.

“Their” expectations may prevent us from reaching our potential. Society puts me in categories that tell me that certain goals are impossible. When I listen to “their” voices, I also accept their limitations.

This is what the LORD says: “Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.

“But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” (Jeremiah 17: 5-8)

When I try to meet the world’s expectations, I’m a prisoner sentenced to wander endlessly in a desert of subjective standards. I’m isolated from the source of strength and refreshment, searching madly for affirmation and approval. I’m doomed to constant, unquenchable thirst, always seeking but never finding true contentment.

When I trust God, I’m free. Rather than scrambling to meet “their” standards, I can rest by the stream, confident that He’ll meet my needs. By trusting the source of eternal truth instead of trying to hit the world’s arbitrary moving target, I can be assured that my efforts won’t be wasted. Nourished by the stream that never runs dry, I can know that I’ll produce the sort of fruit that will allow me to hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

The world wants me to believe that I’ll never be good enough, that my past mistakes and failures imprison me in a barren wasteland of regret and guilt. By “their” standards, I’m destined to hopelessness, isolation, and despair.

That’s not God’s message. The same stream that nourishes and strengthens also washes away the past and offers a fresh, clean beginning. I can rest in His hands and trust Him.

I can be free.

What’s one of “their” expectations that keeps you isolated and trapped? 

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Please leave a comment, visit my website, and/or send me an email at rich@richdixon.net. 

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Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. Garth Brooks

Most of my frustrations arise from my own unmet expectations.

I always seem to begin a project with the unspoken idea that nothing will go wrong. Somehow, I acquired the notion that things are supposed to happen according to my plans.

But life doesn’t work like that. Unanticipated obstacles frequently appear. Important events rarely transpire precisely as I expect. I don’t want to travel through life peering around the corner for the next disaster, but things would be a lot easier and calmer if I learned to perceive the bumps and detours as an integral part of the journey.

Stuff happens. Life is what occurs along the road, not where I arrive at the end. It’s important to plan and prepare, but the quality of the journey is often determined by how I handle the events, challenges, and opportunities I didn’t anticipate.

I didn’t plan on being a quadriplegic, and I wouldn’t choose that circumstance if offered a do-over. But I wasted a decade in anger and depression after my injury, because it wasn’t supposed to be this way. When I finally decided to move forward, I encountered a number of interesting, rewarding opportunities that awaited me on my new path.

How frequently do I miss beauty or generosity or excellence because I interpret an event as a problem? What will “go wrong” today that might lead me toward something better than anything I might have planned?

What’s an expectation that’s caused frustration for you?

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Please leave a comment, visit my website, and/or send me an email at rich@richdixon.net. 

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