Bouncing Back » emotion

How To Get Past Discouragement

Rich Dixon — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 11:00:57 +0000

How do you get past feeling discouraged?

Right now, I don’t have a clue. Discouraged feels like a brick wall in my path. Ever been there?

Maybe for you it’s fear or hopelessness or some other emotion. How do you get past it?

What To Do?

I’ve been writing this week about my idea that worship consists of focused awareness. I’m thinking that “You shall have no other gods before me” [Exodus 20:3] means that I ought to be more focused on God, more aware of His presence, than anything else. And right now that’s certainly not true.

So here’s my take on how discouraged weaseled its way into center.

Courage is the willingness to face fear and do what’s right.
Encourage means increasing that ability in myself or others.
So discourage means a decreased ability or willingness to do what’s right when I’m afraid.

Yep—that’s me. I’m up to my eyeballs in discourage. I’ve lost my willingness to keep going.

Yesterday I discussed Worship of Emotions. I’m acutely aware of feeling discouraged. I’m focused on it, allowing discouragement to define me at the moment. I’m giving it my undivided attention. So I guess I’m worshiping at the altar of discouragement.

Feeling discouraged has become my god-of-the-week.

That’s not a pleasant thing to admit.

If you were sitting here with me, you’d probably ask why I’m discouraged. I’m not sure I could explain it. It’s not like anything really horrible has happened. Just a lot of little stuff I’ve allowed to accumulate.

I don’t need a pep talk—okay, maybe I do, but that’s not the point here. How do we re-focus when a feeling—positive or negative—displaces God at the center of our world?

Attitude

It seems that this discouraged feeling is two things. One is unpleasant, the other is deadly.

Discouraged is partly a feeling. No point in denying or pretending, feelings just are what they are. You acknowledge them and do what you can to avoid being controlled by them.

And there’s the real issue, because…

…discouraged is also an attitude. And when I allow the feeling to become an all-consuming attitude, I give it priority and power until it becomes my focus. I transform it into a god.

Does that make sense?

Habits

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds… [Ephesians 4:22-23]

Attitudes are habits. Like all habits, attitudes can either be unthinking reactions or strategic, disciplined responses. In the Bouncing Back workshop I describe five attitudes that I believe keep me focused on God.

Abundance—a certainty that God always provides for my needs.
Gratitude—a desire to express thanks for His abundant blessings.
Community—valuing, nurturing, and leaning on authentic relationships with God, others, and myself.
Control—a belief that I determine, and am responsible for, my choices and decisions.
Service—living out God’s true purpose for me by serving.

When I nurture and practice those habits, God is more likely to be the center of my awareness. My life can be an expression of worship.

When I surrender power to fear or discouragement or whatever else the enemy tosses into my path, I look away from God. My feelings move to center stage. The enemy celebrates.

So what’s the solution?

The solution is … there’s no easy solution. No magic bullet, no secret seven-step formula to be purchased from late-night television.

Getting past this obstacle of discouragement requires “a new attitude of my mind.” That means discipline, long-term perspective, and gentleness with myself when I fail.

Sounds hard? It is. In fact, it’s impossible by myself.

Fortunately, I’m never by myself.

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The Altar Of Emotions

Rich Dixon — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 11:00:20 +0000

“You shall have no other gods before me.

“You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them…” [Exodus 20:3-5a]

What do I worship?

That question’s been gnawing at me this week. I think I’m starting to understand why.

In Matthew 14 there’s a familiar story in which the disciples see Jesus walking on the water toward their boat. At the end of the story (verses 32-33) Matthew tells us:

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped Him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

My question—what exactly did they DO to worship? Did someone break out a hymnal? Did they sing praise songs accompanied by a guitar? In most modern churches that’s what happens during “worship” time.

Perhaps their worship included singing—I really don’t know. But whatever they did, it’s fair to speculate that Jesus had their complete, undivided attention.

A couple of days ago I said that I’m thinking that worship consists of focused awareness. I worship God in those rare moments when He has my complete attention, when I’m focused on Him to the exclusion of everything else.

I also said I’m not very good about worshiping God. It’s not because I’m a really bad singer (I am) but because my mind wanders. I’m just not very good at remaining focused on God.

So what do I worship? I focus at various times on many things, but this week I’m noticing that one topic is frequently at the center of my personal universe.

I think I tend to worship my feelings.

I focus on my feelings. I fuss about them, try to figure them out, and often surrender control of my life to them. If focused awareness is the measure of worship, I seem to spend a good deal of time bowing at the altar of my feelings.

I’m not claiming that feelings aren’t important (they are) or that feeling should be ignored (they shouldn’t). I need to be aware of my feelings, but the first commandment demands that “You shall have no other gods before me.”

When my transitory feelings become the guiding force, the compass that determines my actions and attitudes, I place them ahead of God. When I’m more focused on my feelings than on God, my worship is misplaced and misguided.

You might guess that a particular emotion prompts these reflections, and you’d be correct. I want to dig into that tomorrow, but for now I’m just making note that feelings are one of the many things that I allow to displace God from His rightful place on my list of priorities.

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds… [Ephesians 4:22-23]

Do your emotions ever take control and become the center of your world? How do you refocus?

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Keys to Responding To Criticism

Rich Dixon — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 11:00:14 +0000

Never wrestle in the mud with a pig. You’ll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

I think there’s a big difference between feedback and criticism.

Earlier this week I wrote about Criticism vs. Feedback. Since feedback can be useful and criticism can’t always be ignored, I thought it might be worthwhile to examine how we respond to feedback and criticism.

Criticism isn’t helpful, and generally I believe that the best response is to dismiss it. When you pay attention to something, you tend to get more of it. Since a critic’s primary motive is to find fault, blame, or complain, there’s not much reason to reward it.

I don’t acknowledge so-called “constructive criticism” because criticism, as I’m thinking about the term, is inherently destructive. However, sometimes it can’t be avoided. Bosses, colleagues, and other associates may be critical; it’s not always possible, and it’s certainly not easy, to ignore their opinions.

DEFINING TERMS

Feedback and criticism may sound similar, so it’s important to differentiate them. Even when identical words are employed, the heart beneath those words and their impact on the listener are substantially different.

Feedback is educational, intended to help me grow by offering an outside view of my behavior. Criticism focuses on fault finding and blaming. Instead of entering a process to improve it, the critic stands outside the process and throws stones.

Feedback comes from service and humility. Criticism is essentially a passive-aggressive form of bragging that aims to demean and diminish me. The critic seeks attention by casting himself as the expert.

So here are some thoughts about responding to feedback and criticism.

INTERACTION

I want feedback to be interactive, because it’s a conversation in the context of a relationship. I want to ask clarifying questions and determine specifics that help me replicate positive results and improve less desirable outcomes.

Criticism is generally one-way, so it’s sometimes best received in writing. This allows for some emotional distance and prevents an endless, on-and-on barrage.

Written criticism has another advantage—it’s easy to wad up the page and deposit it appropriately in the circular file (or hit DELETE).

INTROSPECTION

Feedback encourages self-examination, an essential aspect of living life on-purpose. Personally, I want to be accountable, so I want feedback. I want people in my circle who reinforce positive behavior, but I also want them to help me see into my blind spots and tell me when I’m getting off course. Feedback, whether congratulation or correction, may be difficult to receive, but it’s an essential part of living life on purpose.

Since I generally wish to dismiss criticism, it’s difficult to learn much from it. However, I need to be open and realize that criticism may contain some nuggets of truth. If I’m confident within my own skin, I can sift through the junk and seek areas that might require attention.

ACTION

For me, living on-purpose involves a desire to learn and grow. When I perceive an area where I’ve missed the mark, I need to acknowledge it and seek ways to improve. I may need to apologize, seek information, or ask for help.

If a critic tells me I failed, that’s not a call-to-action. If I can discern a specific area in which I can do better, I need to address it. Otherwise, there’s that round file and the DELETE key.

EMOTION

I think it’s appropriate to allow emotion in a feedback environment. Genuine joy and sorrow fit within a relationship. Of course this must be tempered by the setting, but authentic feedback involves an emotional investment from the giver, so it’s difficult to deny an emotional response from the receiver.

Criticism is designed to provoke negative emotions so it’s best, though certainly not easy, to avoid an emotional reaction. I’m reminded of another of my favorite admonitions:

Never argue with an idiot. Observers may not be able to tell the difference.

The only thing that results from arguing, crying, or becoming angry with a critic is additional criticism, because the emotion gives the critic the attention he craves. Scripture advises: “Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.” [2 Tim 2:23]

Those are some of my thoughts. What’s your take?

How do you respond to feedback and criticism? What would you like to do better?

Did you enjoy this article? Please leave a comment, visit my website, and/or send me an email at rich@richdixon.net.

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