You can’t. You can’t decide how other people think or act.

Do you agree?

I’m working on some stuff for a group of kids who asked me to talk to them about leadership. Their question: “We’re supposed to be leaders. How can we stop bullying behavior in school?”

My honest answer, sadly, is that they can’t. But that doesn’t mean they’re powerless. They can have a lot of influence, but not in the way they’re thinking.

Everyone thinks about changing the world. Few people think of changing themselves.

I think it’s a simple truth that’s not very easy to implement.

 Role Play

Let’s pretend we’re a kid (let’s call him Rich) who observes some sort of bullying behavior. That’s oval 1.

Rich didn’t choose that behavior and he’s not responsible for it. He is, however, completely responsible for how he responds.

First reality: you cannot choose, control, or be responsible for another person’s behavior.

Oval 2 is Rich’s main point of control. Only Rich determines how he interprets the behavior he just witnessed. Some possibilities:

• Rich may choose to react to fear. He thinks he can’t do anything or he has to avoid negative consequences. He’ll say it’s really none of his business.
• Rich might choose anger. He feels self-righteous and superior. He lashes out, perhaps yelling insults and put-downs. Maybe he feels offended and indignant. That guy’s an idiot. What a loser. How can he be that stupid?
• Rich could choose to respond to the behavior without judging the person. He knows he’s seeing something that’s wrong, and asks himself how best to change the situation.

Second reality: you choose how you interpret events. Those interpretations directly impact your feelings, thoughts, and words.

Now we reach Oval 3, where Rich’s behavior demonstrates his feelings and thoughts. Technically he can still choose his actions at this step, but it’s tough to counteract the frame of reference created in step 2.

• If he chooses fear, he’ll likely turn his back or run away.
• Disrespect or anger might lead to dismissal or gossip, or he may fight verbally or physically.
• If Rich chooses the third route, he’s free to problem-solve. Can I stop the behavior myself? Do I need to find an adult? He chooses the most effective action, the best intervention based on what he believes is right.

Third reality: your choice of internal interpretation frames your behaviors.

Now we’re in oval 4, where others see Rich’s response. And this gets tricky, because he has no control over how his actions will impact another’s behavior.

Fourth reality: you determine your interpretations and behaviors. You don’t decide how they will respond.

But…

How does that help? What if the other person continues or repeats the bullying behavior?

Difficult truth: Rich controls steps 2&3. He absolutely cannot control steps 1&4.

Rich can only think, say, and do what he believes to be the right thing. And if he’s an effective leader he may inspire others to follow.

Or not.

That’s Rich’s only option, unless he chooses to force someone else to change through physical or emotional violence. But there’s a problem…

…the goal was to stop bullying, not to become a more powerful bully.

I think it’s really that simple. Not easy, but simple.

What’s your take? What have I missed?

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Do you ever feel like you just don’t belong?

Here’s some potentially shocking news: you don’t.

You and I are strangers in a strange land. We live in enemy-occupied territory. It won’t always be that way—the rightful leader will be back one day. But what are we supposed to do in the meantime?

Christians seem pretty divided on that question. At the risk of over-generalizing, I perceive perhaps three main approaches.

Some folks seem to think we should circle the wagons and wait. Do our best to keep out the riff-raff, isolate ourselves, and just hang on until Jesus comes back for us.

For these people, the world is hopelessly lost. Those who accept Jesus will eventually be saved, the rest are doomed, and there’s nothing we can do about it except to lock the windows and hide.

Some folks want to fight the battle. We’re soldiers in a holy war, and it’s our job to win at nearly any cost.

For these folks, life is all about us against them. It’s really important to identify and marginalize “them.” If they’re not for us, they’re the enemy and must be defeated.

In this sacred battle, victory is imperative. We may not advocate actual physical violence, but pretty much any other tactics are fair game. We attack “them” personally and politically. If necessary, we’ll even spin the facts to achieve our God-mandated objectives.

It’s probably pretty obvious that neither of these mindsets works for me.

I think God wants me to adopt the status of a resident alien.

This is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: “Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper.” [Jeremiah 29:4-7]

Resident aliens don’t become citizens. They don’t assimilate or go along with customs that violate their core principles. They don’t seek to “fit in” at any cost, but rather to live within their adopted culture without rejecting their own.

But they also don’t expect their new home to adapt to them. They don’t rebel against things that are simply different from their homeland. They seek the well-being of their temporary home.

Resident aliens don’t battle with their surroundings. They seek peace and harmony. They don’t approach their hosts as enemies.

That’s how Jesus operated. He lived in the Jewish culture. He interacted with people, met them where they lived. He taught in synagogues and refused to endorse revolution against Rome’s tyranny. He was in the world, while certainly not being of the world.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. [John 3:16-17]

God loved this world so much that He sent Jesus to save it.

If I’m going to follow Jesus, I cannot withdraw from this alien culture. I can’t treat my life as something to simply be endured before I get to the good part.

I also cannot turn life into an endless battle in which everyone who thinks differently is perceived as an enemy to be vanquished. I can’t justify political attacks or personal demonization, even against those who oppose God and His ways. There’s that whole thing about loving everyone, even those who persecute me.

Let’s remember: this IS enemy-occupied territory, but the enemy isn’t the opposing political party or the atheists or the terrorists. The enemy isn’t those who disagree about government policy or taxes or national sovereignty.

The true enemy is much more evil and dangerous than any of these, and he wants us to forget about him and become preoccupied with worldly squabbles. He desperately hopes we’ll focus so intently on culture conflicts that we ignore the real spiritual war that seeks to destroy souls.

So what are we supposed to do?

Jesus invites us to embrace our status as resident aliens. He asks us to bring the very best of the culture from our true home—things like love, peace, kindness, and patience. He instructs us to imitate His radical policy of self-sacrifice out of love for a world that tortured and murdered Him.

Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” [Matthew 28:18-20]

Jesus’ parting words tell me His intent for my life. Whenever I’m unsure, I need to ask a simple question: Which choice will bring others closer to Jesus?

Nothing—not my rights or freedoms, not personal safety, not even love of country, can supersede His purpose. I’m called to make disciples, to demonstrate His love and grace—right here in this alien land.

Sounds simple enough, right?

It’s not.

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Question

Act as if what you do makes a difference.  It does. William James

I’ve been thinking about Greg Mortenson’s powerful story, Three Cups of Tea. I want to expand on what I wrote (How To Change The World) earlier this week.

Something he said to a group of college students surprised me a bit. He challenged them to do something to help others and change the world rather than just making a buck. I think I understand the heart of his message, but I also think his challenge could easily be misinterpreted.

We’re all called to different places in life. Some, like Greg, climb mountains, write books, and build schools in Pakistan. Some, like Chris Guillebeau, live a life of intentional nonconformity and encourage others who seek a similar path. That’s great. They’re helping others, they’re making a difference, and they’re happy. That’s about as good as it gets.

But—do you have to travel to dangerous, exotic lands to change the world? I don’t think you do.

There’s nothing wrong with making a buck, whether it’s your own company or you work for someone else. It’s okay to come home every night, take care of your family, and spend time in the garden if that’s what makes you happy. You can serve God by being invested in your kids and your spouse.

The world needs missionaries and entrepreneurs. Thank goodness for those who take risks, tackle new adventures, and push at the frontiers.

But the world also needs plumbers and executive assistants who do their jobs with passion and joy. The world needs committed moms and dads who are there for the day-to-day moments. Those folks don’t always get noticed, but they change the world in their own way.

“Making a buck” isn’t the problem. The real issue is what you do with that buck. If your only goal is to accumulate more and more, then I believe you’ll live a relatively empty, shallow life. If you strive only for security, care only for yourself, and serve only your own interests, then you’re wasting the life God entrusted to you.

On the other hand, if you’re helping others and serving wherever you happen to be, I believe you’re doing what you’re meant to do.

Does this make sense? What would you add?

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better.  It’s not. Dr. Seuss

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None of us can do anything great on our own, but we can all do a small thing with great love. Mother Teresa

I believe Mother Teresa would agree that no act of great love is ever truly a “small thing.”

I recently had the privilege of hearing Greg Mortenson talk about the story of Three Cups of Tea. Greg’s story inspires and motivates. He’s living proof that one man can make a huge difference.

Greg caught a vision, and decided to raise money to build a school in a remote area of northern Pakistan. His grassroots efforts have currently established 78 schools in Afghanistan and Pakistan and brought liberty through literacy to thousands of children. He’s produced a mega best-selling book, and he speaks to military and political leaders.

I think we can all learn much about passion and courage from this tale, but I also think there’s danger in Greg’s message. To anyone who’s inspired but also overwhelmed by his story, I’d offer this sage advice: you don’t have to be a world-changer to change the world.

I fear that many people hear and admire Greg’s story, but nothing really changes for them. They’re so sure they could never do something so amazing and world-changing, so they do nothing.

There’s nothing wrong with dreaming big, setting out to accomplish a project so overwhelming (like The Crazy Quest) that people question your sanity. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Each of us can change the world right where we are right now. In Mother Teresa’s words, we do great things when we do everyday things with great love.

Greg’s legacy was shaped by teachers and parents and friends who simply did their jobs. It was spurred by kids tossing pennies in a jar to support Pennies For Peace. Like all great accomplishments, it happened because a lot of people played their part, right where they happened to be. Individually, none of them looks like a world-changer, but collectively they changed the world. That’s how it works.

The world needs passionate cooks and firefighters and soldiers and teachers who value every person. We need people who fulfill their daily responsibilities with great love.

I believe that God cares much less about what I do than with how I do it. I believe that He values consistent character above fame and accomplishment.

The people and circumstances I encounter are important. I change the world by representing Jesus and His love right here, right now.

How can you change the world today?

When your heart speaks, take good notes. Greg Mortenson

Powerful idea: Michael Peterson wrote a moving essay that captures the heart of this idea. 

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